Dear Amy: I was with my boyfriend for four years. We lived together the entire time. He was my soul mate and stepped in to be the dad for my kids. (I have three children from my previous marriage.) I thought that everything was amazing and that he was my partner in life.
He died two weeks ago. Because we were not married, I could not be the person to make the arrangements. His mother’s family immediately started blocking me from any involvement in the funeral. He was always protective of his phone and kept it locked. He stated this was because of a previous experience he had with personal information that was spread online.
Well, after his death I had to access his phone in hopes of locating a will, wishes or anything to support getting him put to rest. I did not find any of that, but I did find intimate conversations that he had with multiple women that were very sexual in nature. I am talking about pictures, Facebook Messenger and phone calls spanning the ENTIRE time we were together. I now feel devastated and disrespected.
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How do I grieve the man I was in love with when he was living a double life? I do not know if he actually had sex with these women, or if it was entirely virtual in nature, but I am not sure if it even matters. I know he loved me, but he was not the man I thought he was. How can I mourn and move on when I am hit with this whirlwind?
— Shock of Reality
Shock of Reality: The famous five stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. You might find yourself moving straight into the “anger” stage and staying there for a while. Given the way this man’s family rejected and prevented you from participating in the funeral, as well as the evidence you have uncovered, you quite naturally feel betrayed.
My instinct is that even though you say you were looking for a will on his phone, you might have (subliminally) been looking for pretty much what you found. And now, you must deal with your children in the very best way you can, allowing them to love and mourn this man without focusing on your own anger or his betrayal.
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Keep busy tying up the loose ends of this loss, find new housing if you need to, and reestablish yourself with friends and family. Understand that if you are stuck in the “anger” stage it will affect your life and future relationships. Writing down a daily account of progress and attending a grief group or individual counseling will help.
Dear Amy: My stepson and his spouse were engaged in Paris. They intend to go to Paris in March to celebrate their fifth anniversary and have invited both sets of parents to join them there. My wife wants to go. I do not.
The primary reasons are: 1) We do not drink but the others do, 2) Our interests do not coincide (they want to tour wineries), 3) The other parents are considerably more “free spending” than we are, 4) The weather in Paris in March is iffy at best, and 5) Our financial resources are not unlimited, and my selfish self would prefer spending our travel money on something different.
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Am I rationalizing, being a spoiled sport, and if I suggest that my spouse should go without me, am I being rude? I certainly do not want to create problems, but I am not remotely interested in going. Suggestions?
— Reluctant
Reluctant: You never mention how your wife feels about the prospect of you missing this trip. Given your many reasons for not going and the crafty way you are setting yourself up for having, and possibly giving others, a terrible time, she may be relieved by the prospect of you staying home.
However, this is your stepson. One way to be part of a happyish blended family is to be a good sport and occasionally do things you do not want to do. But if you cannot have a good time in Paris, even in March, then you do not really deserve to go.
Dear Amy: Wow, that question from the “Momzilla” signed “MOB” really got to me. It sounded as if she had conditioned her daughter to be with a controlling person. Now that the daughter was about to marry someone as controlling as her mother is, it was a huge problem.
Upset: Your insight is spot on. I completely agree.
© 2023 by Amy Dickinson. Distributed by Tribune Content Agency.
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